Ask.

Matthew 7:7 -Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you

 Decisions:

What hospital? What nursing home? Do we sale her home? Do we go on Medicaid? What about her dog? Her money?

So many decisions.  My brain hurts… I have been running around trying to decide, to call and cancel, to go where I need to be, stay where I need to be. To be.

I am so tired of decisions. I don’t want to make another choice.

So when I finally hit bottom (again…) I realize… God has it. He makes the decisions for us if we let Him.  He has a plan laid out if we relax and trust.  For me, it’s trying to figure out when to relax. It’s so hard to leave mom at the hospital – knowing she’s sick, but there is only so much ‘I’ can do.  The Lord has to bring me -once again- to the end of myself to let Him work.

I don’t know how this is going to turn out. I don’t know where to go next, or what to do.  I just want Him to take over and do this. I can’t anymore.  Sometimes – we hear about God and how He carries us.  We want that, but do we truly want that?  We can’t be carried by Him, until we are at the end of ourselves or our situation.  Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so ‘hard headed’ as to need these situations to bring me to the end of myself.

My encouragement to you:   God will answer, He will carry, He will lead… We just have to let Him.  Take it from me.  Let Him lead you now, before you absolutely have nowhere to turn.  Or, would you experience God – as He is – if we weren’t in the ship, in the storm, seeing Him walk on the water?  (Matthew 14:22-33) Would we ask Him to come to us if we weren’t at the end of ourselves? Oh, that we would.

Ask and it shall be given you, seek and you will find, knock, and the door will be opened unto you.  This is truth. Are you willing to believe? To ask Him and dare to watch Him work? He will.  Let go.  Let Him.

The never ending story…

Ex. 3:7-8 ‘And the Lord said, I have surely seen the affliction of my people who are in Egypt, and have heard their cry because of their taskmasters and oppressors; for I know their sorrows and sufferings and trials. And I have come down to deliver them out of the hand and the power of the Egyptians, and to bring the up out of that land to a land good and large, a land flowing with milk and honey (a land of plenty)

I have never quite been on such an emotional rollercoaster as this year. One minute we are eating a meal, the next second, we get a call that we are headed to the hospital with mom again. Then we are in ICU and out of ICU, then we are in a nursing home for 1.5 days, and back to hospital due to high fever and chills. I have never treasured the simple moments with friends and family like I have now. I have never had to accept food from friends, or help cleaning…. This is hard.

I keep hearing songs about storms or hurricanes. I read devotions about building faith during trials. I hear people counseling me about going through these times to build to lean to learn to do this and that. And dang it… I’m over it all. I’m over walking through a colorless hallway with beeping noises and people screaming out. Or being ignored at a desk trying to find out which room my mother is in since no one told me she was out of ICU. I’m tired of the smell of this place. I’m tired of IVs and people gathering blood -waking us up at 3 am trying to find a vein. Now I love my vampire movies, but today when they had to give her blood intravenously… I’m reaching my last straw. However, I do find a little joy in my mother calling the blood gatherers vampires…

I talked to my husband and told him I was tired of this and I was going to pray differently. I did not want sit down and lean into the storm and wait for the waves to pound – they are pounding anyway. So- I cried out to Jesus. I have nowhere to turn, no clue what to do, and I don’t like this storm. I need help.

Do you know what happened?

He brought peace. Mom is where she needs to be. I am where I need to be. I don’t understand this road, but I want Jesus at my side helping me. Every problem we’ve encountered, he’s provided a solution and a direction – we just have to wait for Him to provide. Jehovah Jireh – my provider.

If there is anything I can encourage you to do – it’s get to know Him. We hear about who He is but do we know Him?

Abeyance

I just saw a quote: “LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS, IT'S ABOUT LEARNING TO DANCE IN THE RAIN."

I have spent the past 2 years waiting for the storm to pass… Consequently, it’s gotten harder, louder and much more tumultuous. I feel my strength waning. God has taken absolutely everything in my life and brought it to a standstill – so I would listen. The definition of abeyance is: - noun: temporary inactivity, cessation, or suspension: Let's hold that problem in abeyance for a while.

I am writing this sitting next to my mother who is in her 2nd hospital stay this year. Her shallow breaths remind me of what is important. I don’t know the time I have left with her, but I do know nothing else matters during this time. I hate that I am so stubborn of a person that God has to completely stop life, and set me in a chair beside my ailing mother to capture my attention. I have spent so much of this year with Him, but it seems more like a wrestling match. I want to know who He is, who I am, What He is doing in my life, where my next road is leading, what I’m supposed to do with mom…. I have soooooo many questions.

He answers – Be still.

Nothing else can hold my attention right now – not the job, not the roaming cell phone with no coverage, not the house. Not even friends. Just sit and be. Listen to her breath. Pray for her peace. Pray for her joy, pray for her strength. Pray she recovers quickly.

What really matters in this life? God GIVES us jobs, home and futures. He guards all that is ours (Psalm 16:5b NLT) Why are we concerned with that? Why am I? This is time with the person God chose to bring me into this world – the person God chose to raise me. She is the one who bred my love of the Lord. She is the one who taught me strength in the Lord amidst dark and lonely trials we walked together. She has been my support and my ear. A voice guiding me. A voice the Lord has blessed me with -  more than I could ever thank Him for.

I almost want to write this a warning. To you who want life figured out, to you who want the path clearly marked, to you who think – ‘This is what the Lord has for me.’ Woe to you I say… Stop.

“A man's heart deviseth his way: but the LORD directeth his steps (Prov. 16:9) This is the truth. If you truly want to live a life with God – surrendered, and in line with His will, then you must remember – He directeth your steps :)…. It has taken a strong dose of my mom’s tribulations to bring me to this point. All I have been able to do is sit by her bed and wait. Wait for the Dr. to find out what’s wrong, then treat her. Wait for the social worker to tell me No to rehab, wait to see where she goes next… The Lord has even used others – as I sit and… wait.

But is waiting so bad? Once I let go of everything – He brought every answer to me. All I had to do was sit with mom and watch episodes of NCIS, Law and Order SVU, and Jonny Depp movies. It all boils down to simplicity and dependence on Him. If only I had listened to this… 2 years ago – but some of us (clearly me) need a 2x4 to the forehead.

What I’m trying to say is let God guide your steps and stop trying to figure it out. The question is, what is God saying to you?

Why don’t we let Him paint this picture?

He is, after all, the Orginator of Art...

Apprehended

I recently had a friend bring to my attention that I hadn’t blogged in a while. This caused me to realize that I hadn’t sent out the devotional emails.

Then, a strong realization of myself came as the pastor read a story about Simon of Cyrene. It was a fictional story of a unique viewpoint from Simon. He was weighing in his mind that if the man whose cross he carried was actually God. He described moments of picking up the cross, the look on Jesus’ face and the crowd around him. 1


As I was hearing this story – it stirred the passion in my heart of who I am. I know Christ, He is mine and I am His. I long to see Him preached to the dying world; I long to see those of us who are His striving to seek Him; To see a passion unleashed among His believers to answer the call on their life; To reach out and be changed by Him, no longer to sit on their behinds waiting for the next best thing to happen.


We have Christ – we have His word at our disposal. We have the liberty to teach and preach Him. And what are we doing with this???


I have spent the last 3 months wrestling with the devastation of my mother’s stroke on New Year’s Eve. I’ve gone through the fear of her dying, to the grieving of knowing she will never be the same. I have been anxious over where this will leave me and my husband in a few months when she has to leave the assisted living facility – and I don’t know what to do. I have no control over this situation – and have let it beat me down. I have let my circumstances shrivel me up into a sad pit of a person waiting for the next bad thing to happen.

I realized today – that satan has tried to ruin me and keep me in a pit of self destruction. That I am believing the lies he has told over and over. I have gotten to the place that I believe those lies over God, His word, His spirit, His comfort, His rest, His victory. I am choosing depression and fear and regret and anxiety as my new life.

His word says ‘For no word from God will ever fail.’ (Luke 1:37) ‘It is the same with my word. I send it out, and it always produces fruit. It will accomplish all I want it to, and it will prosper everywhere I send it.’ (Isaiah 55:11)

So who are we going to believe? Was that man that walked the road to Golgotha, God? Do we have a victor that is greater? Will He overcome?

So what now? Will you be apprehended for Him?

[1] A chapter from ‘The Salty Tang’ ; What the Passenger Told the Captain by Frederick Speakman.